Individual Counselling Archives - Incentive Counselling

Posted: June 16, 2020

Individual Counselling ,Counselling ,Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Dr. Burns Podcast #10, 11, & 12 – Common Cognitive Distortions

I am continuing my breakdown of Dr. Burns Podcasts. I have tried to put them in a logical order and skipped ones that are more for practitioners. As I have mentioned, they are very interesting to listen to, but I get it – who has the time? Below is a quick overview of Podcast #10, 11, and 12, all explaining some cognitive distortions. There are more, but it does give you and idea of what they are. If you would like to listen to the full podcasts and many others, click to go to Dr. Burns’ Feeling Good website. Not ready? The read below will get you started.

Podcast #10 – First 3 Distortions

It is not what happens to us, but our interpretation of what is happening to us.

This concept was introduced in the 1950’s by Albert Ellis and popularized in the 1960’s by Aaron Beck.

The idea is:

Thoughts create feelings – thoughts that upset us are often distorted and illogical.

Depression, Anxiety, and Anger are triggered by fraudulent, wrong thoughts.

Looking at things in a different way can have powerful effects.

It is human nature – we make ourselves miserable by looking at things in a way that is not realistic.

Cognitive Distortions are what you are telling yourself.

1. All or Nothing Thinking

This is black and white thinking based in the here and now. Examples are thoughts like:

I am going to blow an event completely.
I am totally worthless.
Things are going to be wonderful or terrible.
I am a loser.

Typically, they are 100% negative.

Perfectionism, borderline personality disorder are caused by all or nothing thinking.

Positive All or Nothing Thinking – When we are trying to be perfect, our work is often not the best. It is distorted to think we have to be #1 and anything less than 100% perfect is unacceptable.

2. Over-generalization

This occurs when we experience a negative event and project it into the future. Examples of thoughts are:

I am always messing up.
I am never going to…
I will be alone forever.
No one will ever love me.

Positive over-generalization – If someone is suffering from depression – the negative distortion is that we will never recover. Recovery occurs when we realize the negative thoughts we had were distorted. We experience the greatest happiness and think I will be happy forever. This is distorted because we will relapse at some point.

3 & 4 Mental Filter & Discounting the Positives

These two go hand in hand. We do this when we focus on the negative and discount the positive. We take in something positive and we convince ourselves it doesn’t count. Our negative mental filter rejects it.

An example of when we might do this is we receive several glowing positive reviews, but one negative. We shift our focus 100% on the negative review. We hyper-focus on errors and the negative. If we score 80% on a test, we focus on the 20% we got wrong. If someone gives us a compliment, we think they are only being nice to us. (“Imposter Syndrome” is often the result of this type of thinking)

You can have a positive mental filter which is distorted as well. Dr. Burns used Donald Trump as an example, because when he receives criticism, he views the other person as flawed.

When we are criticized, we naturally want to defend ourselves, discounting the validity of the criticism. Most of us learn to view criticism as constructive when it is meant to be, not as a personal attack.

Listen to Podcast #10 here:

Podcast #11 – 3 More Distortions

5. Jumping to Conclusions

This is when we jump to a conclusion that is not justified. We do this in 2 ways.

Mind Reading – we make negative assumptions about what another person is thinking. We assume they are not interested, or that they don’t “feel” like you do. Dr. Burns used the example of dining in a restaurant and watching a table that arrived after him get better service. The truth was that the server was waiting for him to finish an appetizer that Dr. Burns didn’t care for, before he brought the entree. A perfectly logical explanation and nothing personal.
Fortune Telling – this is when we make negative prediction about the future – all anxiety is caused by fortune telling. Examples are: the plane will crash, presentation will flop, etc. In anxiety, there are always thoughts that cause the anxiety. In a panic attack – I am going to go crazy, I am going to die. Depression – I am never going to get better, I will always be this way (hopelessness).

6. Magnification and Minimization

When we procrastinate or put something off, we are usually magnifying the task. We magnify when we imagine how delicious a donut is going to taste when we are trying to watch what we eat.

We do the opposite when we minimize. We convince ourselves that one donut won’t hurt.

7. Emotional Reasoning

This is when we reason from our feelings. Examples of what we might think are:

I feel anxious, so I must be in danger.
I feel hopeless, so I must be.

We believe our feelings. However, emotions are created by our thoughts and if thoughts are distorted, so are your feelings. There are causal linkages between thoughts and feelings that can operate both ways. Negative feelings cause negative thoughts – an initial thought will always precede the original feeling. It is like a domino effect.

Listen to Podcast #11 here:

Podcast 12 – 2 More Distortions

8. Should Statements

Self directed should statements create shame, guilt, and inadequacy. Other should statements (directed at others) create frustration and anger.

3 valid uses of the word should – legal should, laws of the universe should, moral should. All “shoulds” are a positive distortion.

9. Labeling

This is when we label ourselves – I am a loser or a failure – rather than allowing yourself to make mistakes.

Labeling others is painting others with broad brush strokes.

Examples:

A sexual abuse victim labels herself as dirty. This is distorted thinking as the person is a victim.

A mother calls herself a bad mother because her child struggling. This is distorted because the child’s struggles are not the mother’s fault.

Listen to Podcast #12 here:

Posted: May 27, 2020

Marital Therapy ,Individual Counselling ,Counselling

Dr. Burns – Podcast #5 – Agenda Setting

A is for Agenda Setting – This is the 2nd post in the Dr. Burns Podcast series. This Podcast focuses on addressing resistance. If you are not sure what therapeutic resistance is, read about it here.

If you want to listen to the entire podcast, take a listen here:

Here is the condensed, written version.

Agenda setting is inviting a person to work on the problem they are experiencing.

When individuals don’t rapidly overcome problems – in one or two sessions – resistance to change has not been addressed.

Even though we yearn for change, we cling to the familiar.

Resistance is difficult to understand, even for the resistant person. Depression is the worst form of suffering. Why would someone want to cling to depression? Or addiction? Or anxiety?

How do we melt resistance?

Step 1 – Invitation – Once the situation has been explained and the story told, simply ask if there is something in the situation they want help with.

Step 2 – Specificity – We can only work on one thing at a time, so the person must prioritize – Which problem would you like to work on first?

Step 3 – Time and Place – Think of a moment when this problem occurred.

Where were you? What was going on? What were you feeling?

For example, a client wanted help with low self-esteem (specific problem) and said that he got a very poor performance review at work that affected his self-esteem (When? Where? What was going on? Feeling?).

Step 4 – Conceptualization – What problem is the above person dealing with? The 4 potential categories are depression, anxiety, relational, or a non-problem.

What is a non-problem? A non-problem is when we feel something that is completely normal and healthy. For example, there are 2 kinds of grief. Although both are very hard to experience, uncomplicated grief is healthy and normal and therefore, a non-problem.

On the other hand, complicated grief is characterized by distorted thoughts like self blame or guilt. These distorted thoughts and feelings make grieving a difficult process to go through and so people end up “stuck”.

Back to our previous example. Once the moment is revealed, determine what the problem is. In the example above, is it a self-esteem problem? Conceptualize – is it depression, anxiety, and relationship problems. It probably is all of them.

Even though we have cognitive behavioral therapy tools that can help, we have to address resistance first. Ironically, therapist compassion and need to help can be the death of successful treatment.

Step 5 – Deal with resistance (process and outcome – not sure what these are? Read about these two types of resistance here)

It is great when someone wants help. However, offering the tools is not enough. Dr. Burns frames his resistance busting technique by saying to the client, “I can show you how to overcome your self-esteem problems, but you will have to do all the work. This process will be very hard. It seems unfair when you have to do the work (process resistance – you are the one that needs to commit to changing) when it is everyone else that has the problem (outcome resistance – be able to deal with other people more effectively).

At that point, the person dealing with the problem will decide if they willing to move forward and convince the clinician that they actually want help (resistance overcome).

If this podcast summary has peaked your interest and you want to hear more, I highly recommend Dr. Burns’ Feeling Good website. His podcasts are located here.

Posted: May 12, 2020

Marital Therapy ,Individual Counselling ,Counselling

Introduction to Dr. Burns Podcast – Resistance

Introducing Dr. David Burns

If you have ever been in to see me, you will have heard me talk highly of Dr. David Burns and his work in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I have recommended his podcast to many people, as listening to how he has helped others is truly inspiring!

Don’t want to take a listen, but still interested?

If podcasts just are not your cup of tea, (kind of akin to the Too Long; Didn’t Read variety, but with your ears), I thought I would break it down for you.

If you want to listen, here it is.

Podcast #1 – Resistance

Introduction

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) was popularized by Dr. Aaron Beck in the early 70’s.

At the time, David Burns found that pharmacology (prescribed drugs) was not helping his patients. As a result, Burns got interested in finding different methods to use and Dr. Beck’s Cognitive Behavioral Therapy was suggested.

Burns attended Aaron Beck’s weekly seminars and he found that his patients showed improvement when he tried the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques.

However, some (about 1/3) clients stubbornly clung to “Yes, but…” and were not being helped.

Why? Why stuck?

They were stuck because of Therapeutic Resistance. They cling to the familiar.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (or any treatment, for that matter) will not be helpful without addressing resistance.

Once resistance is melted away, the strategy is very effective.

Types of Resistance

Resistance broken down into 8 most common categories.

There are 4 targets – Addictions, Relationship Problems, Anxiety and Depression.

For each target, there are 2 types of resistance – Outcome and Process resistance.

Addictions

Outcome resistance – this is when a positive outcome isn’t really wanted.

For example, if an alcoholic is offered an instant cure, the addict may truly believe that alcohol (or any other addiction) is the only source of escape, pleasure, relief, etc. in their life. Therefore, they don’t really want to become sober – outcome resistance.

Process Resistance – This is when you don’t want to do the required work to accomplish desired outcome. For example, someone might want to lose weight, but is not willing to change behavior (exercise or diet) to accomplish weight goals – process resistance.

Couples therapy – often doesn’t take resistance into account.

Outcome resistance – The truth might be that one partner doesn’t want a close relationship with the other person anymore. If the relationship has eroded to a terrible point, the partner may feel hurt or resentful and not want the other person in their life – outcome resistance.

Process resistance – Sometimes, we blame our partner for the difficulties in the relationship and feel we are not responsible at all. We are not willing to stop blaming, nor are we motivated to take any responsibility. Because of our position, we not willing to make any changes that might improve the relationship – process resistance.

Anxiety

Outcome resistance – magical thinking – if the anxiety disappears, something horrible will happen.

For example, let’s say you are a chronic worrier and worry about everything. If I suggest to you that you can push a magic button and your anxiety will disappear. Sometimes the worrier has a deeply rooted belief that if the button is pushed and the worrying goes away, something horrible will happen.

To explain further, it is discovered that a person with Obsessive/Compulsive tendencies fears deeply that if they don’t wash their hands, they will contaminate their children with a terrible disease. Therefore, the person does not want to stop the behavior – outcome resistance.

Process resistance – Often when dealing with anxiety, we must face the things we are anxious about. This is called Exposure and it can be terrifying – process resistance.

Depression

Outcome Resistance – The main resistance has to do with non-acceptance. There is something about ourselves that we don’t want to accept leading to self doubt. We must accept who we are and lower standards. By doing this, we might think that we are settling for the second best version of self- let go of the ego. The impression of self is more powerful than the “real” self – outcome resistance.

For example, a violent local drug dealer was suicidal. He had low self-esteem and considered himself a a hopeless case. Through prompting, he looked at positives and negatives of continuing with his lifestyle.

He thought the biggest cost was that he would be dead in 2 years. However, staying the same easy and familiar (benefit), he could get stoned all the time (benefit), he had a strong public identity and prestige (benefit), he was powerful (benefit), he got unlimited sex (benefit), he didn’t have to follow rules (benefit), and he was never disappointed in himself (benefit).

It was clear that being a “hopeless case” had many benefits. Why would he want to give it up? The man realized that living was more important than all of the benefits his lifestyle afforded him.

Process Resistance – homework – the effect of doing homework is huge. Improvement is directly related to doing, or not doing, homework. Homework always involves working on some sort of change and many of us don’t like change. It isn’t easy – process resistance.

There is Podcast #1 in a nutshell. Please feel free to check out Dr. Burns’ website. His work is truly inspiring and can be a game changer for you!

Posted: December 4, 2019

Individual Counselling

5 Tips to Avoid the Holiday Blues

Some people love the holidays and all of the traditions that surround it. For others, not so much. In fact, the holidays are quite the opposite. The holidays can bring on insurmountable stress, unwelcome anxiety, and unshakable depression. The over commercialization and pressures of the season, increased feelings of loneliness, and tight finances make the holiday season unpleasant for many people. Many people struggle over the holidays, but there are things to reduce those feelings you typically experience.

Stop feeling guilty and ashamed that the holiday season doesn’t bring you joy! Accept that this isn’t a good time for you, don’t apologize for it, and don’t let others make you feel like there is something wrong with you. You are not alone! Thousands of people, in fact, probably many people you know, dread the hubbub and stress of the holidays.
Don’t leave everything to the last minute. There is a reason those people you consider crazy start shopping for the holidays shortly after the big day is over. It is a coping strategy to help alleviate the stress associated with the holidays. For others, avoidance is a very common tactic to delay facing the inevitable. Avoiding the holidays won’t make them go away and, in fact, will make this situation worse. You have tasks at this time of year that you can’t avoid. Make lists – who you need to buy for and potential gift ideas, dates of outings, things you need to do around your house, etc., and tackle them one by one. Check off items as they are done to give you a sense of accomplishment.
Stick to a budget. The holidays are one of the most commercialized and expensive events of the year. Fight the urge to overspend on gifts. It might be easier to get that expensive gift that you know will be a winner, but blowing your budget will equal added stress. Make a list of everyone you need to buy for, decide how much you can afford, and stick to your budget as closely as possible. This is another reason that thinking of a gift idea before you head out to purchase is a good idea. Then you won’t be overspending impulsively.
Don’t drink excessively. Socializing tends to increase a lot during the holidays. Unfortunately, alcohol is a depressant and it “depresses” the production of serotonin, which is our mood regulator. If we are prone to depression, drinking too much can trigger a depressive episode and if you are feeling down already, it can get out of your control. Even people that don’t suffer from depression can feel the negative effects of over drinking on mood. Go easy and consciously (no pun intended) limit yourself.
Get active, get together, and get outside. It might look miserable out and you might lack motivation at this time of year, but going for a walk is a great way to clear your head and get some exercise. Even shoveling the driveway can give us a sense of accomplishment and make us feel better. Sunshine and exercise are both mood boosters. Enjoy getting together with people. Sit around a fire. Socialize with friends and family. Studies show that socializing also increases our sense of well-being and decreases feelings of depression.

The holiday season is tough for many people. Struggling when everyone else around you seems full of what we perceive as euphoric joy can make us feel like there is something wrong with us. There isn’t. We just don’t enjoy the hype, stress, pressure, and commercialization associated with the season. Keep it simple. Enjoy the aspects of the holiday that are truly important to you. Make a game plan and stick to it. Pay attention to your mental health and when you feel overwhelmed, ask for help. We are all here for you.

Wendy Blancher a co-owner and clinical counsellor at Incentive Counselling services is accepting new clients. Call 250-212-5160 or email wendy@incentivecouselling.ca to book an appointment and enjoy December savings on clinical services.

Posted: November 7, 2019

Individual Counselling

Help! I HATE my job!

Are you feeling stuck and unsatisfied in your current career? Did you spend time and money preparing for your dream career, finally get qualified, and realize the job actually sucks? You spend the majority of your day working, and if that chunk of your day does not make you happy, the consequences can be serious.

Emotionally

When we feel stuck in a job where we don’t feel appreciated and valued, or we just lack the enthusiasm we once had, it is bound to get us down. We can experience several negative emotions, but anger, frustration, negativity, anxiety, lack of enthusiasm, and boredom are just a few.

All of these emotions have enough of a toll on us, but if you are trying to hide these emotions at work or from your loved ones, they have the potential to do some serious damage. Even if you find a co-worker to talk about how your job “sucks”, your emotions don’t turn off as soon as you walk out of your work space.

Eventually, not only you, but the people you are close to will also experience consequences from your unhappiness at work.

If you are trying to hide how much you dislike your job from a loved one, it will have negative consequences. You might withdraw because your unhappiness and worry is consuming you and you don’t want to worry anyone else. Conversely, if you are unloading the minute you walk into the house, you are bringing that toxic environment and the tensions that go with it, into your home.

There may seem like there is no escape from the looming unhappiness. Maybe you find yourself getting high every night to help you avoid those uncomfortable emotions you are dealing with.

None of these scenarios will solve your problems. They are all unhealthy, but very common, ways to deal with job dissatisfaction.

Physically

Hating your job can have physical consequences as well. Digestive issues, loss of sleep, fatigue, and physical aches and pains are all real symptoms of job dissatisfaction. Some people also notice a lack of concentration, enthusiasm, and focus as well. Taking more frequent sick days to try to feel better physically is very common. This avoidance tactic is a temporary fix.

Socially

As mentioned above, conversations about your unsatisfactory job are inevitable, because let’s face it, it is eating you up. Unfortunately, the ones you turn to may not be qualified to help you deal with your emotional and physical symptoms.

You may also withdraw from social situations because you don’t want to “bring everyone down”. You don’t want to be a burden on others and think you will eventually “snap out of it” or feel you can deal with your problems on your own. This self-imposed isolation can lead to common health issues such as depression and anxiety.

When to get help.

Studies show that mild depression and anxiety is easier to deal with than severe cases. Not only that, relapses are less frequent with early treatment. The sooner you take steps and call a professional, the sooner you will start feeling better. Even if you are really down, there is hope.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is very effective in dealing with both depression and anxiety and clients, especially with milder symptoms, can feel much better with a few sessions. Many companies have plans that cover counselling and services are 100% confidential.

If this sounds familiar, I can help. You can either email me directly for an appointment or book online. Remember the hardest part is making the decision to reach out.